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“Testudo says: take it slow like a turtle and wait until marriage!” reads the front page of UMD’s new website, umd.edu/SHIT. Sexual Health Information Transference (SHIT) is the latest general education course added to the University of Maryland’s repertoire.
Students are mandated to take SHIT after their first 30 credits at UMD, a move implemented to protect the innocence of our sweet little baby Terps. Kinesiology majors must take SHIT in their first semester. Those guys (allegedly) fuck. Additionally, students will not have to take SHIT if they received a score of 4 or higher on AP Computer Science A or AP Computer Science Principles in high school, as it is assumed they intend on protecting their virginity. Chastity belts will be available for such students at the front desk of the Brendan Iribe Center for Computer Science and Engineering.
SHIT courses may not follow expectations outlined by Maryland legislature, according to Patty Perillo, Vice President for Student Affairs.
“Our SHIT is raw. Obviously, the state asks that we maintain an ‘abstinence-only’ focus, but…c’monnnnnn,” Perillo said with a smirk. She then asked our Editor-in-Chief to meet her next to the condom baskets in the University Health Center basement. He has not been seen since. Eric, if you see this, we’re worried, please come back.
SHIT-takers can choose from a variety of interesting new classes, such as “Gender Neutral Bathroom Quickie Etiquette,” “Introduction to Tinder Ghosting,” “Advanced YikYak Horniness,” “History of Dormcest,” “Journey to the Center of the Girth,” and more.
Certain courses can fulfill both SHIT and another general education credit.
“I’m getting my SHIT together with FSAW,” boasts sophomore Teddy Grey, “‘Remedial Fanfiction Writing’ is my favorite course this semester!” Grey recently finished his 100,000 word literary saga “50 Shades of Red, White, Black, and Gold”. The full novel is already available in the University of Maryland’s eBook library and on Grey’s WattPad account @testudostesticles.
An experimental couples’ course, “Talk Terpy to Me,” combines SHIT with FSOC.
“To be honest, I didn’t even look at the name, I just saw ‘oral’ and ‘shit’ in the description and signed up,” claimed super-senior Trojan Royal, who accidentally enrolled without a partner. “But I’m for sure going to bag one of these fine kinesiology majors. They’re dating public policy guys? Give me a break. These girls fuck.” When asked about his own major, Royal muttered something about being undecided before scootering away.
For students still confused, text your academic advisor “u up?” at two a.m. and ask if they can come over to talk about some SHIT, maybe with a bottle of wine.
Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky
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