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In a triumph for clean energy, the UMD Department of Mathematics announced that all of their buildings would phase out fossil fuels in favor of the raw power of human suffering.

The department has spent the last few years implementing several groundbreaking reforms to maximize the amount of sheer uncontaminated misery and woe that could be extracted from students. Starting by making MATH141 a requirement for nearly every STEM major, including those that didn’t need it, they began to move on to more ambitious methods over the years.

“First, we decided to forbid any students from using calculators on homework, worksheets, or tests in a 21st-century mathematics class, where nearly all jobs in the field require them,” said mathematics chair Deano Goolack, the architect of this ambitious project. “But we wanted to be bolder. So we broke with all other STEM classes and math departments throughout the country and forbade formula sheets, even handwritten ones. The suffering caused by forcing our students to memorize upwards of 30 formulas for a single test while they saw all of their high school friends getting packets nearly doubled our energy output.”

But even with this remarkable energy initiative, the department has laid out plans to increase energy output to power even more buildings. Plans to replace the notorious Webassign with the new program “UpYourAss” are already in motion. This new site would completely randomize the subject assigned regardless of if the student learned it in lecture, and would leave the final grade of a question up to a dice roll which would give the student a zero on the question approximately 50% of the time regardless of the answer given.

Plans to expand calculus to be an eight course series and make it a prerequisite for every major have been approved. Proposals to edit the lecture curriculum to give contradictory and false information, forcing the student to relearn the entire subject for every test, are also in motion. Students might also be required to take tests in alternate languages, or while blindfolded. According to the department’s most optimistic projections, such amounts of agony and suffering could power all of UMD by 2026.