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“SATURDAYS ARE FOR THE BOYS!” A phrase commonly associated with alcoholism, mental ineptitude, and media company Barstool Sports. Today however, you’ll be hearing it from that guy in your economics lecture who always comes to class wearing his hat backwards.

Reports are circulating that this fine specimen will be impressed by even the most basic of actions. He will unfortunately be grouped up with you in a project that you will complete all on your own. Upon hearing that you’re a computer science major, he will react with “oh sick dude, so you’re like smart smart. Yo that’s so hype.”

The man in question will then go on to explain that he is a business major, shocking nobody. His hobbies include drinking, hazing, vaping, skipping class, and blasting music in the showers at 1am. He is the least interesting man in the world. He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, he drinks Natty Light.

While one would assume the University of Maryland would have higher standards, this student comes from New Jersey. His parents make more money in a day than you will see in your entire life. Maryland stops paying attention to academics when wealth enters the picture.

During ice breakers in your discussion section, he will announce his fun fact: he operates an Instagram account affiliated with Barstool Sports. This is unexpected, but not surprising. He will then sit back down in his seat next to his 6’5” white best friend who plays club basketball.

This nameless figure proudly owns a Barstool Sports flag. Every purchase of one requires proof of a micropenis. He remains nameless because this is not one person. It’s a hivemind, and they’re everywhere. They’re coming for you.