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With Passover, Easter, and Ramadan all coinciding with midterm season, one student is attempting to gain an advantage on their exams. Meet Sue Esidal, a freshman biology major who normally describes themself as an atheist. However, after opening the practice exam for the MATH141 midterm, they quickly realized they needed divine intervention.

“I have never once been to church or anything like that,” said Esidal. “But at this point, I don’t think studying alone is going to help me. After seeing the last exam scores, I’m pretty sure only God understands convergent series.”

Indeed, Esidal was seen at multiple religious institutions and services this weekend. Friday afternoon, they were seen at a local mosque. In the evening, they went to Shabbat services at Maryland Hillel. Esidal was initially not aware that Shabbat was a day of rest, but made it so anyway by procrastinating.

Realizing they still were fucked, Esidal went to Sunday morning mass at the Chapel, and in the evening they were seen surrounded by candles and covered in blood in the center of SECU Stadium.

“I realized that praying to one God wasn’t enough,” said Esidal, still covered in what we can only assume were baby guts. “I opened up a list of deities on Wikipedia and just started down the list. I honestly didn’t even look up how to worship them, I just kinda assumed I had to kill something.” The aforementioned list included, but was not limited to: God, Satan, Athena, Vishnu, Quetzalcoatl, The Hare’s founder Kevin, and even the fictional Clavicus Vile.

For those taking MATH141, traditional studying may not be the best avenue. Our staff suggests killing at least 100-200 babies beforehand to maximize your favor with Satan (and Kevin). Esidal said they felt confident this plan would work, believing that they could get at least 40% on the exam, well above the class average.

“Oh, absolutely fucking not, I can’t help you with that, it’s beyond me,” said God after taking a glance at the midterm questions. “This exam seems to be the work of Satan.”

“Haha, yeah it was,” laughed Satan. Thank Satan that Esidal had all their bases covered.

Even if you aren’t taking MATH141, The Hare hopes you have a good Easter, Passover, Ramadan, or whatever you may celebrate. And remember: Kevin always hears your prayers.