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South Campus Dining Hall, College Park – A normal lunch shift quickly turned sour after a heated argument about the theoretical thickness of the great Testudo’s penis turned into an all-out brawl. 

Witnesses reported a table of 7 arguing about the diameter and radius of the phallic organ, with the table seemingly split on the issue. One half claimed “Dude that mascot is so energetic, he’s also like 6’4, so that meat is at least a good 5 inches across”, while the other leaned into the statement that “If they were packing we’d see a noticeable loaf in the shell, that thing is half an inch at most”.

More and more people from across the dining hall soon found their way to the table to choose a side in the heated debate. The disagreement between “Team Thicc T” and “Team Skinny T” continued to escalate into shouting and within 10 minutes the first punch was thrown. Witnesses saw a brawl of at least 50 kids erupt in the middle of the dining hall, with at least another 25 joining in. Students were seen thrown across tables and into the cake section, smaller students hurled into the air, multiple piledrives into the salad bar, and at least one gentleman climbing on top of the table before performing an elbow drop into the fight pit.

Over 60 students were injured in the so-called “ Great Schlong Rumble” and five were left hospitalized, with one, Todd Macintyre (an avid “Team Thicc T” participant) in critical condition. All were visited by Testudo themself, including the gravely injured Macintyre. His family reported that the great Turtle whispered what could only be their true cock thickness into Macintyre’s ear, to which he replied, “Of course, what else could it be…”, before flatlining.

Fortunately, he was still very much alive, as Testudo had merely tripped over the heart monitor plug and faceplanted into 27 bags of donated blood.