Instagram Posts

In a shocking turn of events, Apple has pulled its long-standing sponsorship from the University of Maryland’s College of Information (iSchool) after revelations surfaced that the school has widely become known as the “backup” option for students who didn’t make the cut into the Computer Science major. Angered by the revelation, executives of the tech giant made the decision swiftly, stating, “We only associate with top-tier institutions, not remedial safety nets.”

Apple’s exit has left the school scrambling for a new identity. As a result, the former iSchool will now be known as the Android School, much to the disdain of the administration. “Losing Apple’s support is devastating. We planned on hiring ten additional administrators this month to ‘think about developing a more comprehensive plan to curb the rising use of disruptive technology in our academic environment,’” says Anna Lyst, the Assistant to the Regional Academic Manager, who promises that they would “actually do it this time.” 

Students are equally dismayed by the rebranding. “Android school? Does that mean I have to learn how to pretend how to use an Android? Next thing you know, they will be telling us to ‘embrace customization,’” says Generald Zed, a current First Year “Sophomore by Credits” Student in INST126.

One of the more dramatic outcomes of the shift is the complete ban on Apple devices within the school. According to the administration, any Android School student with an Apple device will see it spontaneously combust by the end of the week. “They can pry my iPhone 16 Pro Max out of my cold dead hands,” says Siri Simperton, who seems fine with the idea of losing both of their hands for the cause.

Sources believe Samsung might be in talks to sponsor the newly christened Android School. We reached out to Samsung for comment, who promptly confirmed the rumors. “Of course! How else do you think the Android School can make devices spontaneously combust?” proclaimed Sam Sung, CEO of Samsung.