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Have you ever noticed how this campus is filled with posters warning us of the dangers of nighttime in College Park, advertising things like Nite Ride and “No Terp Left Behind”? Well, I have. This has led me to investigate what forces necessitate the need to alarm Terps about the dangers of nighttime. 

Luckily, I don’t value my life enough to think this is a bad idea. I am going to find out what is endangering College Park by exploring Route 1, Lake Armestesia/Berwyn, and—as a control—Old Town. For this investigative journalism, I need a few items: a knife for protection, a hoodie, sweatpants, a ski mask to stay warm, and a flashlight. 

The best place to start the investigation is in Old Town, also known as frat haven. This place is alive with useless life forms on Thursday through Saturday, fetching alcohol from run-down houses that smell like a dumpster. Naturally, Old Town has its fair share of disturbing men prowling about, but it seems to be a self-contained infestation due to the presence of like-minded beings. This does not appear to be the source of danger that inhibits the rest of campus from wandering at night, though the stares I receive from not wanting to participate in the cult behavior might say otherwise. 

Route 1 is the next stage of our journalistic endeavor. The night life varies throughout this god-forsaken stretch of asphalt: a long stretch of apartments, restaurants, “restaurants”, and obscure UMD-owned buildings. Near the “restaurants,” lifeforms appear very similar to the ones in Old Town. My conclusion is that these folks are too dumb to be serial killers. Route 1’s other lifeforms are more suspicious: many travel in smaller groups or alone, often giving a worrisome stare behind them and quickening their pace after I follow them. They tend to wander off in a hurry. While a promising lead, these folks seem to be prey rather than predator, and Route 1 has too much light for murder to happen.

Lastly, Lake Armestesia and Berwyn are the pinnacles of eeriness on a night in College Park. A ghostly ambiance fills these areas, creating the perfect spot for crime to flourish. Indecent exposures are a common sight here, but I am looking for more substantial threats to College Park. As I explore the lakes, the sight of others is very rare. Traveling along Trolly Trail, I see a girl walking and try to chase her down for an interview. However she must have seen something scary because she starts jogging away. I get worried for her and jog along as well, and all of the sudden we’re running! I hope we escaped whatever creepiness she had witnessed. All in all, I hypothesize that we did successfully find a serial killer. Unfortunately, my investigative journalism was never able to identify who the serial killer was, but at least we did prove that there are some real creeps out at night in College Park. Maybe the posters are important, after all.