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Several months after the University of Maryland renamed its Office of Diversity and Inclusion to the timid “Belonging and Community,” a breaking investigation from The Hare has revealed that there was more to the University’s renamings than originally met the eye. In an apparent mistake, some are calling a self-admission, Darryll Pines’ title of “President” has been renamed to that of “Coward.”

“We would never consider standing up for our supposed values,” Coward Darryll Pines explained in response to our request for comment. “Especially not when it could threaten critical federal support for exciting new research projects to maximize human suffering.”

Thankfully, Maryland Correctional Enterprises (MCE), the prison labor organization that the University purchases its furniture from, was able to fashion Coward Pines a new large golden plaque to reflect his title change, now displayed proudly in his office. Last year, the average laborer at MCE was paid $1.25 an hour, while Coward Pines had an annual salary of $1,032,476.54.

Within the new office of “Belonging and Community,” several key units are said to be facing their own renamings. The Nyumburu Cultural Center will be replaced by a new American Heritage Center, with the T, Q, and plus to be removed from the LGBTQ+ Equity Center. Graciously, the L, G, and B will be allowed to stay, under the condition that they just “keep it to themselves.” Color printing will, unfortunately, be removed from the University libraries to prevent any pride flags from being produced.

The only things at the University of Maryland not up for renaming, apparently, are all of the buildings and rooms named after weapons manufacturers, slave holders, and segregationists. In a statement from the University, a spokesperson said that “these concerns should have been raised back in 2020 when we pretended to give a shit about social justice,” despite the fact that these exact concerns were raised back then, too.

Following the University’s greenlighting of an event featuring two Israeli soldiers who perpetrated the ongoing genocide in Gaza, Coward Pines announced that he would love to approve more events featuring any “future genocides” the University comes to support. Just as before, any protestors or student journalists covering these events should expect to be arrested by University of Maryland Police.

After having taken down their website tracking 25 demands from Black student leaders for the better part of a year, the University instead has chosen to exclusively listen to voices it deems much more important: those of the Federal Government. Coward Pines mentioned that he was, however, “open to convening a task force to investigate the possibility of creating a committee to determine a timeline to consider writing a pledge to promise to think about bringing back the old website. Maybe.”

On the topic of fulfilling the remainder of these demands, or to ever listen to the community like that again, Coward Pines simply said, “Hell no.” The University has carried out this revised approach in stride, having not recognized the Graduate Labor Union, not divested from genocidal corporations, and not declared a sanctuary campus to protect students from ICE.

Many students wonder if Coward Pines will be remembered for enacting any sort of meaningful change, with others saying that it’s not too late for him to do some good for the University and its students. We at The Hare aren’t holding our breath.